Good day, my fellow Britons and global compatriots! Boris Johnson here, once your tousled blond shepherd guiding the great British flock through pastures political and pandemic, now humbly steering a different kind of vehicle. No longer at the helm of the Good Ship Britain, I'm instead manoeuvring 'Van Number 7', a charmingly robust Ford Transit, delivering your much-needed parcels with a post-political twinkle in my eye.
As your prime minister, I've delivered a variety of things - speeches, promises, a good dose of Latin quotes and even the occasional Brexit deal. But now, as Boris the Courier, my deliveries are rather more tangible. From next-day Amazon packages to your favourite takeaway (ensuring the curry remains within the container rather than on your doorstep), I'm your man!
Well, why not, I say! The shift from politics to parcel delivery may seem unusual, but after years in the Westminster circus, the lure of the open road was too tempting. Swapping Brexit negotiations for the M25 during rush hour might seem a foolhardy endeavour, but let me assure you, there's a certain Zen to be found amidst the beep-beep of fellow road-users and the comforting aroma of petrol station pasties.
I've navigated through the choppy waters of the EU referendum, leadership challenges, and the occasional zip-line incident. Now, my navigation skills are put to the test in a more literal sense, as I dodge potholes and rely heavily on my dear friend, Ms. Sat Nav. After all, every Downing Street has a Silver Street, and the country isn't going to deliver to itself!
It's a simple life but a fulfilling one. Instead of red boxes filled with national secrets, I have brown boxes filled with – well, I don't know what, and that's half the fun. The joy of seeing the smiles on people's faces when I arrive with their long-awaited parcels is a daily delight. It's not quite the standing ovation in the House of Commons, but it warms the cockles nonetheless.
So join me on this new, slightly less grandiose journey, as I swap my suit for a courier's uniform and my ministerial car for a sturdy, reliable van. I promise the same commitment to service, the same quirky humour, and the occasional Latin phrase thrown in for good measure. There's much to be done and many parcels to be delivered - so pip pip, cheerio, and see you on the road!